I am single

All these years, I thought I was fine being alone but then I realized I am longing for that forgotten feeling of how it is to be in love. That feeling when someone loves you and cares for you. Someone whose hands fitted yours and will stay by your side even at your most unpleasant state.

One day, someone asked me a familiar question that I never took seriously before until the question itself became a taboo.

"Why are you still single?" Truth is, I also don't have a clue, I can say and claim that I choose to stay single but that is a big lie. In fact, all this time I've been searching for that special someone and ventured to impossible scenarios which includes creating my own fantasy of a perfect relationship. But God knows nothing is really working, not one single piece will fit. It used to be so simple and easy but not anymore and I don't know why.

I can give you a hundred of reasons and alibis but it will never be enough to answer the question. Until someone said that maybe, I'm still not over my last relationship. I was surprised on how much those words affected me. I definitely thought I've moved on and over her because it has been two years or more since we broke up. I always thought that keeping possibilities open and not burning bridges is fine.

Now I'm feeling guilty and is trying to justify why I still keep our old pictures and letters that hold so much memories. Letting her go was a mistake I will forever regret. And here I am thinking that maybe, I'm paying for that mistake and suffering its consequences.

I've been too absorbed with the idea of finding a special someone. But for what purpose? Is it to prove to myself and to others that I'm finally over my past? Or is it because of how this society has become? A society where being single is like a contagious disease. And being in a relationship is the new standard. Thinking about it makes me realized that maybe what I really need is not to find someone special but to find my long lost self.